Jokes

Wed, Jul 20, 2011 at 8:11 AM

I know it's not really an all-time favourite forum topic but maybe you got some funny jokes to share. I got this one today:

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."



~nothing is beyond you~

Replies to This Posting

  1. Re: Jokes

    Tue, Aug 2, 2011 at 1:07 PM

    if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  2. Re: Jokes

    Thu, Aug 4, 2011 at 12:30 AM

    The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when Custard Cream supplies all but ran out.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing"
    Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgium does not have a government, so is incapable of having any warning level. All on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the modern Spanish fleet can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

    Meanwhile in the southern hemisphere...

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position, called Bondi.

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." It should be noted that there has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

  3. Re: Jokes

    Thu, Aug 4, 2011 at 4:54 AM

    Feronea wrote:
    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." It should be noted that there has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.



    This is too funny!!!
    If you don't listen to the words you're only hearing half the music!

  4. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Aug 22, 2011 at 8:13 AM

    oh no there's a monster under my bed oh shit it's you

  5. RE: Jokes

    Mon, Aug 22, 2011 at 8:15 AM

    close your legs hoe your causing global warming

  6. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Aug 22, 2011 at 8:23 AM

    im rick james bitch

  7. Re: Jokes

    Thu, Aug 25, 2011 at 4:23 PM

    Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

    If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

    If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

    If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

    If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

    If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

    If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

  8. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Sep 5, 2011 at 2:16 PM

    Two parents take their son, Little Johnny, to the doctor. They tell the doctor that their son is a wonderful child. He does well in school, he almost always obeys when they ask him to do something, and he almost never gets sick.

    The doctor say's, "well, what's the problem?"

    "Well, it's not much doctor, but he has a small penis," the mom replies.

    "Small Penis? Oh that's no big deal. Just feed him lots of pancakes and the problem will take care of itself," the doctor instructs.

    The next morning, Little Johnny comes bounding down the stairs and he sees a big stack of pancakes sitting on the dining room table. He say's, "yummy, Mommy we're having pancakes!"

    The mom say's, "you take two, Johnny. The rest are for your father."
    mlukec

  9. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Sep 5, 2011 at 11:39 PM

    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, got out $20 and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
    'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

    'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
    'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive..'

    'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
    'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

    'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to g ive you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
    The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

    I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

  10. Re: Jokes

    Mon, Sep 12, 2011 at 10:58 AM

    I thnik a lot a people knows that :

    google "find chuck norris"

    that's so funny, muhahaha!!
    _______________________________________________
    "Living a life that seems to be... A lost reality..."
    "...I'm tired to be what you want me to be..."
    "...Kentucky fried kung-pao clits..."

  11. Re: Jokes

    Tue, Sep 13, 2011 at 5:09 AM

    Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe reminiscing about their husbands who have passed on. The y inevitably get on to the subject of sex.

    Mary says "I really miss my Frank but you know the one thing that annoyed me was that because he was a gynaecologist all he ever wanted to do down there was look at it"

    Moira says "I know what you mean Mary, I really miss my Tony but because he was a psychologist all he wanted to do walk talk about 'down there'"

    Agnes sits back with a big grins and says " I really miss my Andy, he was a stamp collector."
    Fairynuff's favourite saying is "She's Bang Tidy. I'm gonna smash her back doors in!!!!"

  12. Re: Jokes

    Tue, Sep 13, 2011 at 11:58 AM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUm8wtDQgTU
    _______________________________________________
    "Living a life that seems to be... A lost reality..."
    "...I'm tired to be what you want me to be..."
    "...Kentucky fried kung-pao clits..."

  13. Re: Jokes

    Wed, Nov 16, 2011 at 10:45 AM

    Livvy wrote:
    if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?



    your voice is truly creepy but i like it

  14. Re: Jokes

    Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 4:42 AM

    Always start your day with a lot of S E X …

    Always start your day with a lot of… S E X
    S – SMILE
    E – ENERGY
    X – XCITEMENT
    so make S E X a daily habit, and youll always B SUCC SEX FUL! in LIFE.

    We need Martial Arts Gear or Boxing Shorts for practices.

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