i would like to mark this occassion
you know that moment when you have been fighting with your significant other for hours on end because something you said you feel offends them? and it turns into this ridiculous fight where irreversable damage is done, and mean words are tossed around like candy? well... that was my whole last night.... i have a phrase i use, possibly more than i should... and HE HATES IT! but he continues to do these things that make me so unbelievably irate.... so i just keep on saying it. well, tonight, after hours and hours of tension, and passionate fighting where we are literally getting ready to split ways in life... and things calm down a little, but only because i let him rant at me about what an absolute terrible person i am, and how much he hates everything i ever do.... it happened!
a magical moment.
we get into an argument about something dumb, mind you this only happened five minutes, and the argument was over something so retarded i cant remember what exactly brought it on, lady gaga i think. ha ha. he said that same exact phrase to me! the same phrase that i use on him and he freaks the fuck out about because of how unusually cruel he seems to think it is. so i called him out on it. i questiononingly said it back to him... and i could tell right then that he was never going to admit it, but he KNEW THAT FEELING... and his next words were "i'm not saying that because i think i am better than you, i'm only saying that because....." and i nodded, and he said, "its not the same thing at all, i just...." thats right, he was JUST justifying that very same feeling that i had been trying to express to him for what seems like an eternity. but ofcourse now that i have called him out on it, and realized that he ACTUALLY DOES understand why i say the things i do, now he has to pretend to be extremely mad at me all over again. its that weird guilty, i know i was wrong but i certainly will not admit it, attitude men get. when they did something wrong, and need someone else to throw the anger at. MIND YOU, if he ever does realize that he was wrong, he never lets on, and we have been playing this game for years and years now, and he loves to act like he has never said a mean word to me in his life, and can do no wrong, so this moment honestly may never come again in my life. this is big. THIS IS HUGE. this is something i must secretly celebrate alone.
but how? maybe i will buy myself a present of some sort. who knows. but this was an all-nighter fight. no sleeping involved... just screaming and fighting, and of course... the blame game. i;m always wrong, he is a perfect angel, i am a heartless soul sucking cunt... he is the all knowing intelligent ball of glory. that kind of thing.
i listened to it all night, and managed to mostly not even yell... managed to MOSTLY keep my cool, now... i say MOSTLY... i AM only human after all... and there is only so much of someone screaming in your face of what a piece of shit terrible person you are, and how you ruined their life, and sucked out their soul... and calling me every name in the damn book..... insults hurled at you every 3 seconds... that sort of thing. OR, my FAVORITE (and i say favorite sarcastically)... the coy pretending to be nice while saying the meanest most hate-filled things you can say to a person. and saying it with a smile while putting their hand on your shoulder and ending in "but i love you and i know you can fix this" sort of thing.
now, keep in mind, i am the sole and only provider in this relationship... i pay the bills, and supply us with what we need... he cleans (straightens up, we all know men dont "clean-clean", and makes food and stuff.
so to hear insults flying at you like war fire is not an easy thing to listen to.
but i did. or i tried. mostly i just tried hard to go to my happy place and mentally leave the nightmare happening in front of my eyes... even when it got to the point where he starts saying all of the same things i said, but turning them around to be about me... I HATE THAT... and then to the next stage... saying he really wants to hear what i have to say so we can make it all better, and we can BOTH work on things. its a TRAP, dont ever fall for it. because he doesnt ever actually want to hear what you have to say, all he WANTS to do is tear you apart. but hes threatening to leave, which at this point a cool down would probably be best, but i try to appease him. and you can just tell by the tone of his voice and the look in his eye, that this conversation cant be going anywhere good, that all he is going to do is shoot you down and rip you to shreds, its very conning and manipulative. but the VERY SECOND i open my mouth... he just interrupts me saying more shit about what he hates about me. so... i try to talk through it, yet still not interrupting back (because WOMEN know that nothing gets accomplished or heard when two people are screaming at once). then he starts fighting every word i say, "that isnt true"... or "no, you do that all the time, NOT ME!" or, "now you are just making things up because youre mad... or to get back at me"... or whatever the excuse may be for him not wanting to admit that he has ever done anything wrong.
so... he pretty much threw 7 years of a relationship and 7 years worth of mistakes in my face, but i cant say a damn thing back, because he thinks he is perfect.
but an hour after the fight ends, and we are talking civilly ... but still not yet peacefully. tension is still thick in the air... it happens.
he says the magic words. and i know he understands. and i WILL celebrate in my own way. and so this is WHY i had to record this moment, and also
because i know that as soon as i try to start talking to him again. after we both know that all i went through tonight was absurd, cuz know he too understands the very feeling i was telling him about that got him so angry with me. JUST TO SPITE that he understands now... he is going to explode, because this fight he just prepared for me can NOT be about nothing. oh no, he cant just admit that. he cant. IT HAS TO HAVE MEANT SOMETHING. IT HAS TO HAVE MEANT THAT I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR FEELING THAT WAY. and he is going to prove that... if it kills him. he is going to prove it by insisting that what he said is nothing like what i said... and yelling some more about how it isnt the same, and if that doesnt work plan b will come into action... and he will bring something else into that is completely and entirely unrelated. and he is going to decide that THAT is why we are fighting, because i did some stupid shit 4 months ago that didnt mean anything then, but for some reason is pissing him off NOW, and i damn well should apologize for it. or he is never talking to me again. and not only am i going to apologize, i am going to admit that i did it and WHY i did that ridiculous shit 10 months ago. he'll want me to atleast... but the whole time he is making an ass of himself... i am going to be thinking in my head of what present i am going to buy myself. because that was one hell of a magnificent moment for me!