SHIT HAPPENS
in various professions

Mathematician:
Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician:
There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical):
Shit should happen.

Physicist (Experimental):
To within experimental error, shit did happen.

Engineer:
I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist:
I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Damn, this shit smells...

Biologist:
Is this shit alive?

Botanist:
What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

Economist:
I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Bureaucrat:
I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO:
(1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's) Oh, SHIT!

Lawyer:
For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of any shit.

Doctor:
Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...

Acupuncturist:
Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
Let all that shit go.
This will really get the energy shit moving.

Surgeon:
Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist:
Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer:
It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist:
Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Historian:
The same shit happens again and again.

Politician:
It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
Shit happening is bad for the economy.
My Fellow Americans, all I stand for is shit.

Waitress:
You want fries with that shit?

Teacher:
Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =

Professor:
Let's see how crazy they'll be neck-deep in my shit.
Hey! I've got tenure! I don't give a shit about students.

Dean:
Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant:
Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist:
What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri = bullshit)

Quality Control Inspector:
This shit ain't good enough.

Marketing:
This shit could sell, if only it came in different colors.

IRS Auditor:
I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer:
I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader:
Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss:
Rub the little shits out.
I'll make him a shit he can't refuse.

New York City Cab Driver:
Oops, looks like I hit that shit...

Mechanic:
Shit ... this will cost a lot, mister.

Chef:
It needs some more of this green shit.

Musician:
This shit is out of tune.

Artist:
If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
Shit, I wish I'd thought of that.
Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.

Poet:
My childhood was shit -- let me share.
Ode to a Grecian Shit.
My love is like a red, red shit.
... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...

Developer:
Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintenance programmers.

SHIT HAPPENS
to major corporations

NASA:
For a mere couple of billion dollars, we can make your shit disappear into space.

IBM:
Big Blue Shit.

Motorola:
Our shit is Six Sigma.

Apple:
We don't want this shit unless it makes a profit.
That shit looks and feels like our shit!

Microsoft:
NO! That shit looks and feels like our shit!

Intel:
Shit inside.

McDonald's:
You want fries with your McShit?

Taco Bell:
Shit, shit supreme!

GM/Saturn:
If it needs to be recalled, it's probably our shit.

Ford:
Our shit is Job One.
Have you had a shit lately?

BMW:
The ultimate shitting machine

Chevy:
The shitbeat of America

VW:
Fahrvershitten.

Toyota:
I love when you shit on me. (See also Masochism)

Volvo:
Our shit is boxy but it's good.

Sony:
Everyone wants our shit.

Coca-Cola:
It's the Real Shit.

Pepsi:
The shit of a new generation.

Wal-Mart:
We sell our shit for less, always.