"You're Interior Rusted And I'm So Disgusted, Can't Trust It...You're Busted.."
^ Lyrics from a song called Anything Right by P.O.D. Awesome song, by the way. Sometimes when I listen to it, it's a mirror for me. I never used to be self-conscious about the way people see me and how I come across to strangers like the way I am now. I know I come across as intimidating by my size and shape, and even the way I do my makeup and how I have my eyebrow pierced. But it's not the physical things I think of anymore, it's my inner being I'm starting to focus on really hard. I wonder if people look at me, hear me speak and act and think "Wow, she's a Christian?", or "Man she's a bitch, and I should stay the hell away from her." Maybe I'm being pessimistic and everyone loves me, but that's a little unrealistic, don't you think? The world isn't full of nice people who love you for who you are. The world is opposite, and I've started to realize that more and more. I sometimes pray for God to wipe me off the face of the planet and everyone's memory, because I'm better off someplace else. I know my absence would hurt family and some friends, and I'm probably being selfish right now. It's all a cycle. Get depressed, act selfish because you're too hurt to think of anything else or feel anything else, then have an epiphany or some exciting and life changing experience and become more compassionate, understanding, and selfless. Then here comes good ole' depression again. The world is the same way. If the world is in a constant cycle, where does the rapture come into place? I think about the Great Depression and how shitty things were then. The banks were collapsing along with all of the businesses and people. More than a few times the Second Coming came into some individual's minds, because of the similar apocalyptic circumstances prophesied in Revelations concerning the time of the rapture. I've heard so many people say that 'the end is near' in my lifetime, which is only 15 years. My question is: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU RAPTURE?" I would enjoy it if it came now.
I'm not testing God or being blasphemous, because I don't like the way it makes me feel and it's seriously sinful. I have another question: Doesn't your life get boring when you blame everything on science and natural occurrences rather than a supernatural force? For some reason, humans are always looking for something mysterious, supernatural, alluring, beautiful, perfect, and everlasting. I've heard my mom call it something God placed within our souls, to seek Him. It was placed in Adam and Eve, and didn't disappear when they sinned against God by eating the apple. Their eternal perfection, pureness, and redemption from evil disappeared though, which explains us and this fucked up little world we have here. In all seriousness, I'm not condemning non-believers or questioning my faith. I'm feeling really lost lately, like mentally lost. It's already Wednesday, and Monday and Tuesday seemed to never have existed. I feel dirty spiritually, such as I'm not worthy of any sort of forgiveness from such a perfect Being. I don't understand why God hasn't gotten so angry and wrathful that He hasn't blown this place to smithereens already, Earth I mean. I couldn't be God. I would have blown the place up when Adam and Eve sinned.
I think I'm just trying to give myself a reality check, or either a kick in the head for some of the things I've done and how I act sometimes.