Just something so empty and lonely. I'm going back home tomorrow, and I don't know how to act, speak, think, or feel. I'm depressed about it, really. Seeing the places where there was so much pain and fear.
It's like I'm trapped in a world of my own creation. Grey everything, and there's an endless and treacherous road ahead of me. I see my mother. God I wish she could get better and be a real mother. I wish she hadn't left me and was with me right now. I miss her smell, her touch, and the way she breathes.
I feel as if I'm going to cry just thinking about seeing my brother and sister's beautiful faces again. They're so warm and perfect to me...no one will ever know the depth of my love and adoration for them.
I think of a warm, modern, and sweet smelling house. It's so beautiful and peaceful at first sight. Then a woman in her late 40's comes stumbling down the stairs, apparently drunk. Her rust colored hair is all over the place, and she's angry about something. There's a young boy with big, blue, and water-filled eyes at the kitchen table. A young girl with short cropped hair is no where to be found in the house, she's probably at work. Then there's the Elf, sitting in her basement, on KoRn chat, and listening to music to block out the bullshit that surrounds her,
Everything was so sweet but so fucked up. I couldn't live there in that hell anymore, so I moved. Facing my past physically sucks so bad. And I thought the memories were painful...fuck this. I hate letting my past control me. It doesn't even own me anymore. It's just something that happened. Like the monkey from Lion King says, "IT'S IN DA PASSSST!" Such a smart monkey..