Tired of being tired. So I wont be anymore, or at least try my absolute best not to be. Tired of family fighting back and forth. Tired of being put in the middle. So I just told everyone I'm by myself on all of it, not on anyone's side. I choose love, equality, respect, and unconditional care for eachother. Not some Jerry Springer, dysfunctional shit. I'm not going to lower myself as a human being and fight with my family, the ones who played different roles in raising me and teaching me what I'm putting to use now. We've lost morality, I think, and the truth. I'm not disowning, fighting, judging, hiding, or ruining any member of my family over past issues and what he said-she said. It's ridiculousness. And for my social life, I'm doing the same. All of it is being cut out and I'm done with bullshit. We're all human beings with our own life to experience, our own emotions and actions and thoughts. No reason to knock anybody or judge anyone. All of that mess just gives birth to confusion and discord.
I'm trying to balance the large weight on my shoulders. Sometimes I think about suicide, lately more so than usual. I know it's a hopeless wish to die, especially in my situation. I have family, friends, a life; like everyone else. I have things to accomplish and discover, like everyone else. There's so much opportunity in the air, it's not even funny. The way I see it is this: better to be here on this planet with this life, than be 6 feet underground in the unknown. With my beliefs, this helps me a lot. Dead people don't accomplish what is possible here on Earth. We as humans have a whole dimension of possibility and dreams in front of us. Whatever we dream of doing, we could do it, if we put our minds to it. I don't want to waste that opportunity to do what my inner being has always wanted to. I would rather be alive to feel, hear, see, smell, taste, touch, and just bathe in life. No matter the circumstances, I would rather be alive. When people have left me and I feel I no longer have a reason to live, I look in the mirror. I have me, and I believe I will always be my own best friend no matter what. Over anyone in this world, I can trust myself, believe in myself, love myself, and not have to worry about being taken advantage of, being brought down, or having no one to rely on. I'm still here, and my God is my dreams and the direction my soul was meant to take.