Spent 11 days in the psych hospital. Not something a person my age is proud of. But my life just started crashing around me. Someone started messing with me through a survivors' forum and fucked everything upside. I started with the nonstop nightmares and flashbacks and just didn't want to be around anymore. The only reason I kept away from the freeways was to keep my kids from being scarred by a suicided mom. For their mental health, I kept all my crap so deep down. They are normal, happy, simple and innocent. When I realized that I couldn't push these new symptoms down, I checked into a hospital.

On my way, I put all my KoRn songs on shuffle and blasted the heck out of my ears and anyone driving nearby. They carried me to one of the more frightening places I've been. Then they took it all away and I wasn't allowed to listen! That ended up being the least of the restrictions in the lock down facility. They even cut the strings out of my hooded sweatshirts. Keeeeraayyzeee.

Anyhow, since my insurance is the omniscient Kaiser, I am left to my own devices to find a program specifically designed for trauma resolution. I spend my days using the beloved internet to do research and my other outlawed devices listening to the music that beats to the rhythms of me.

The one good thing that has come out of this crisis is the need to "come out" about being a survivor. No more secrets. It's out for the world to see. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Still feels so awkward to write and say. But there it is folks. Thanks to KoRn, I'm still alive to claim it.